February 6, 2022
Kristi has had a decent couple of days at home. We are staying in top of her pain and I’m being the best nurse I can be. I’ve made spreadsheets and timelines for daily improvement, cooked and cleaned, walked with Kristi, hung out with the kids, worked on a conference and slept. Kristi has been hungry for specific foods and I have done my best to track them down. If anyone knows where I can find Grands Biscuits, let me know. 😅
Yesterday we made a roast with potatoes and carrots. She was so hungry for it that maybe she ate too much or too fast. She ended up having to leave the table and lay down for three hours! Learning what and how much to eat is a new experience for her. She has lost so much weight! Anytime she is hungry, I am poking food her direction. I think we’ll soon get into the rhythm of things.
Since we left the hospital, I have been thinking about the years of silence between the the Jewish Scriptures (Genesis-Malachi) and the Christian Scriptures (Matthew-Revelation). The last words, before a period of silence, are in Nehemiah 13:31 where Nehemiah was frustrated at the lack of spiritual passion and fidelity the people of Israel had for God. He made many reforms, but basically threw up his hands toward God and said, “I’ve tried, remember, I’ve tried! Now it’s up to you.”
The next words come from John the Baptist nearly 400 years later as he began to prepare the nation of Israel for the coming Messiah, the Christ. He breaks the silence by declaring the anticipated Savior was soon to arrive. 400 years! We get frustrated when we wait in line at chick-fil-a for 15 minutes. Throughout Scripture, God is silent many times. He has His own time. He has His own plan.
When I reflect on and in silence, as we wait for Kristi’s next move, my thoughts lead to the future and life beyond cancer. It seems unreal and right out of reach. It seems like we have overcome so many hurdles and roadblocks and yet there are more to come. I look to God and say, “don’t forget about us. Remember what we’ve done.” This is all too human. Like we can bargain with God or twist His arm in a quid pro quo. “Hey, remember all that stuff we did for you? Missionaries, church-planters, humanitarians, entrepreneurs, disciple makers, teachers. Remember when we left everything to follow you? Remember? Don’t forget about us. Don’t forget about our love for You!”
Is this just me or does this kind of thinking come into play with you while you wait in the silence? We have seen our humanity over and over again. Kristi’s and my conversations are more real now than they’ve ever been. We ask for purpose. We ask for grace. We ask for wisdom. We ask for patience. We ask for increased faith. We ask for clarity and direction. Many times, God is silent. Sometimes, we just have to sit and listen to the overwhelming silence.
Here’s what we’ve seen in the silence. Life goes on. The clock keeps ticking. The days slip by. We live. We laugh. We cry. We wait. We love every minute of it! We take advantage of our time and look each other in the eyes. We almost see each other’s soul. It is good. It is beautiful silence.
“So it is good to wait quietly for salvation from the Lord.” Lamentations 3:26